The driver said, 'No problem. Have a go at it.' Pope Francis gets into the driver's seat and they head off down the highway. A short distance away sat a young, rookie policeman operating his first speed trap. The long black limo went by him doing 75 in a 45 mph zone. The young policeman pulled out and easily caught the limo.
He then got off his motorcycle and walked up to the driver's door. As the glass was rolled down, he was surprised to see who was driving. He immediately excused himself and went back to his car and called his supervisor. "I know we are supposed to enforce the law.... but I also know that important people are given certain courtesies. I need to know what I should do because I have stopped a very important person."
The supervisor asked, "Is it the governor?" The young policeman said, "No, he's more important than that." The supervisor said, "Oh, so it's the president."?
The young policeman said, "No, he's even more Important than that." After a moment, the supervisor finally asked, "Well then, who is it?" The young policeman said, "I think it's Jesus, because he's got Pope Francis for a chauffeur!"
K
Little Boy At The Nude Beach.
A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a nude beach.
As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women have boobs bigger than his mother's, so he goes back to ask her why.
She tells her son, 'The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is.'
The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger things than his dad does.
She replies, 'The bigger they are, the dumber the man is'.
Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play.
Shortly thereafter, the boy returns and promptly tells his mother, 'Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets'.
Submitted By Kathy Gabrielle
Dr. Visit For A Colonoscopy
I went to my proctologist's office for my first rectal exam. His new nurse, Evelyn, took me to an examining room, told me to get undressed and have a seat until the doctor could see me .
She said that he would only be a few minutes.
After putting on the gown that she gave me I sat down and while waiting I observed, that there were three items on a stand, next to the exam table:
A tube of K-Y jelly,
A rubber glove
And a beer .
When the doctor finally came in I said, "Look Doc, I'm a little confused, this is my first exam ..
I know what the K-Y is for.
And I know what the glove is for, but can you tell me what the BEER is for?
At that Doctor Paul became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door
He flung the door open and yelled to his nurse .. . . . . .
Damn it Evelyn !!!
I said a BUTT LIGHT "!
I guess it's sort of like a Pabst smear!
Submitted By Kathy Gabrielle
THE BACK PEW
A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise.
After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the pastor's family expanded; so would his
paycheck.
After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to
discuss the pastor's expanding salary.
A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the pastor's additional children were
costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost.
After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke, "Children are a gift from
God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us." Silence fell over the congregation.
In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice,
"Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers."
The entire congregation said, "Amen."
Submitted By Kathy Gabrielle
Big Ass Bug!
A mother was driving the family station wagon behind a garbage truck when a large dildo flies out of the back of the truck and hits her windshield dead-on, sticking to it.
To hide her embarrassment the mother turns and says to her young kids, "My, what a big insect!"
To which her 8 year old says, "I'm surprised it could fly with a dick that big."
Submitted By Kathy Gabrielle
What did she think I had, an elephant?
So because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again.
I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in the intensive care unit with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and I.V.'s in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry.
The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.
No, I told her, I fell off my couch while I was licking my dick.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard.
Wegmans won't let me shop there anymore.
Submitted By Kathy Gabrielle
Obama was looking for a call girl. He found three such girls in a local pub, a blonde,
a brunette and a redhead.
To the blonde he said, "I am the President of the United States. Now how much would
it cost me to spend some time with you?'
She replied, "$200."
To the brunette he asked the same question.
Her reply was "$100."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Little Boy At The Nude Beach.
A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a nude beach.
As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women have boobs bigger than his mother's, so he goes back to ask her why.
She tells her son, 'The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is.'
The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger things than his dad does.
She replies, 'The bigger they are, the dumber the man is'.
Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play.
Submitted By Kathy Gabrielle
Dr. Visit For A Colonoscopy
I went to my proctologist's office for my first rectal exam. His new nurse, Evelyn, took me to an examining room, told me to get undressed and have a seat until the doctor could see me .
She said that he would only be a few minutes.
After putting on the gown that she gave me I sat down and while waiting I observed, that there were three items on a stand, next to the exam table:
A tube of K-Y jelly,
A rubber glove
And a beer .
When the doctor finally came in I said, "Look Doc, I'm a little confused, this is my first exam ..
I know what the K-Y is for.
And I know what the glove is for, but can you tell me what the BEER is for?
At that Doctor Paul became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door
He flung the door open and yelled to his nurse .. . . . . .
Damn it Evelyn !!!
I said a BUTT LIGHT "!
I guess it's sort of like a Pabst smear!
Submitted By Kathy Gabrielle
THE BACK PEW
A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise.
After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the pastor's family expanded; so would his
paycheck.
After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to
discuss the pastor's expanding salary.
A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the pastor's additional children were
costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost.
After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke, "Children are a gift from
God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us." Silence fell over the congregation.
In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice,
"Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers."
Submitted By Kathy Gabrielle
Big Ass Bug!
A mother was driving the family station wagon behind a garbage truck when a large dildo flies out of the back of the truck and hits her windshield dead-on, sticking to it.
To hide her embarrassment the mother turns and says to her young kids, "My, what a big insect!"
To which her 8 year old says, "I'm surprised it could fly with a dick that big."
Submitted By Kathy Gabrielle
A Retiree's Last Trip to Wegmans . . .
Yesterday I was at my local Wegmans buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Duke, the Wonder Dog, and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.What did she think I had, an elephant?
I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in the intensive care unit with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and I.V.'s in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry.
The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.
No, I told her, I fell off my couch while I was licking my dick.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard.
Wegmans won't let me shop there anymore.
Submitted By Kathy Gabrielle
The President's Call Girl
Obama was looking for a call girl. He found three such girls in a local pub, a blonde,
a brunette and a redhead.
To the blonde he said, "I am the President of the United States. Now how much would
it cost me to spend some time with you?'
She replied, "$200."
To the brunette he asked the same question.
Her reply was "$100."
He then asked the redhead.
Her reply was, "Mr. President, if you can get my skirt up as high as my taxes, my panties
as low as my wages, get that thing of yours as hard as the times we are living in and keep
it rising like the price of gas, keep me warmer than it is in my apartment and screw me
the way you have retirees, then you can have it for free, like the immigrants."
Submitted By Kathy Gabrielle
Her reply was, "Mr. President, if you can get my skirt up as high as my taxes, my panties
as low as my wages, get that thing of yours as hard as the times we are living in and keep
it rising like the price of gas, keep me warmer than it is in my apartment and screw me
the way you have retirees, then you can have it for free, like the immigrants."
Submitted By Kathy Gabrielle
Some days, you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.
Anger Management
When you occasionally have a really bad day,
and you just need to take it out on someone,
don't take it out on someone you know,
take it out on someone you don't know,
but you know deserves it.
I was sitting at my desk when I remembered
a phone call I'd forgotten to make.
I found the number and dialed it.
A man answered, saying
'Hello.'
I politely said,
'This is Chris.
Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?'
Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear
'Get the right f***ing number!'
And the phone was slammed down on me.
I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.
When I tracked down Robyn's correct number
to call her,
I found that I had accidentally transposed
the last two digits.
After hanging up with her,
I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.
When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled
'You're an asshole!'
And hung up.
I wrote his number down
with the word 'asshole' next to it,
And put it in my desk drawer.
Every couple of weeks,
when I was paying bills or had a really bad day,
I'd call him up and yell,
'You're an asshole!'
It always cheered me up.
When Caller ID was introduced,
I thought my therapeutic 'asshole'
calling would have to stop.
So, I called his number and said,
'Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company.
I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our
Caller ID Program?'
He yelled
'NO!'
And slammed down the phone.
I quickly called him back and said,
'That's because you're an asshole!'
And hung up.
One day I was at the store,
getting ready to pull into a parking spot.
Some guy in a black BMW
cut me off and pulled into the spot
I had patiently waited for.
I hit the horn and yelled
that I'd been waiting for that spot,
but the idiot ignored me.
I noticed a 'For Sale' sign in his back window,
so I wrote down his number.
A couple of days later,
right after calling the first asshole
(I had his number on speed dial)
I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole, too.
I said,
'Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?'
He said,
'Yes, it is.'
I then asked,
'Can you tell me where I can see it?'
He said,
'Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd. , in Fairfax
It's a yellow ranch style house
And the car's parked right out in front.'
I asked,
'What's your name?'
He said,
'My name is Don Hansen.'
I asked,
'When's a good time to catch you, Don?'
He said,
'I'm home every evening after five.'
I said,
'Listen, Don, can I tell you something?'
He said,
'Yes?'
I said,
'Don, you're an asshole!'
Then I hung up,
and added his number to my speed dial, too.
Now, when I had a problem,
I had two assholes to call.
Then I came up with an idea...
I called asshole #1.
He said,
'Hello'
I said,
'You're an asshole!'
(But I didn't hang up.)
He asked,
'Are you still there?'
I said,
'Yeah!'
He screamed,
'Stop calling me'
I said,
'Make me.'
He asked,
'Who are you?'
I said,
'My name is Don Hansen.'
He said,
'Yeah? Where do you live?'
I said,
'Asshole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd., in Fairfax ,
a yellow ranch style home and
I have a black Beamer parked in front.'
He said,
'I'm coming over right now, Don.
And you had better start saying your prayers.'
I said,
'Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole,'
and hung up.
Then I called Asshole #2.
He said,
'Hello?'
I said,
'Hello, asshole,'
He yelled,
'If I ever find out who you are...'
I said,
'You'll what?'
He exclaimed,
'I'll kick your ass'
I answered,
'Well, asshole, here's your chance.
I'm coming over right now.'
Then I hung up and immediately called the police,
saying that I was on my way over to 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, to kill my gay lover.
Then I called Channel 7 News
about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd in Fairfax .
I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax ..
I got there just in time to watch two assholes
beating the crap out of each other
in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter
and surrounded by a news crew.
NOW I feel much better.
Anger management really does work.
Submitted By "Gabe" Gabrielle
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GRANDMA AND GRANDPA WERE WATCHING A RELIGIOUS HEALING PROGRAM ON TV.
THE EVANGELIST CALLED TO ALL WHO WANTED TO BE HEALED, TO "PUT ONE HAND ON THE TV AND THE OTHER ON THE BODY PART THEY WANTED HEALED
GRANDMA HOBBLED TO THE TV AND PUT ONE HAND ON THE TV AND THE OTHER ON HER ARTHRITIC HIP.
GRANDMA HOBBLED TO THE TV AND PUT ONE HAND ON THE TV AND THE OTHER ON HER ARTHRITIC HIP.
GRANDPA MADE HIS WAY TO THE SET AND PUT ONE HAND ON THE TV AND THE OTHER ON HIS CROTCH.
GRANDMA LOOKED AT HIM WITH DISGUST: "YOU JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND, YOU OLD COOT. THE PURPOSE OF THIS PROGRAM IS TO HEAL THE SICK, NOT RAISE THE DEAD!
Submitted By "Gabe" Gabrielle
This must mean I am naturally dumb!
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